2.16.26

 Okay um 

2.16.26

no no no no - i tried to make a "journal entry" but it doesn't feel natural. I don't want to focus on these realities. It legitimately makes me panic and frightened. I feel hunted and hated. There is often not food and that alone greatly impedes my work. I suffer grim physical ailments every single moment including right now, as I'm writing this. I suffer from an almost complete lack of security in every sense of my life. I'm basically off the grid. I live in ways I fear to describe for fear of authoritarian reprisal. It's not a fun game. It's only an adventure in the loosest, most juvenile sense of the word. 

This is dumb. I feel dumb. 

The Work is too important of course. Sunken cost is not always a fallacy as wildly frustrating as that can be. 

What needed to be done there was done. That's ultimately what necessitated coming here. That's what counts. I got the Damnatron set up within the first week. Actual forward progress from this point has been painfully slow. I don't know. 

It's difficult to talk about. 

I just want to be done doing all this, I'm so very tired, and ill.

All of this, to be free of all of this.

Is that what they're really after too ? 

I was right before. I don't know why I wrote this. Maybe I'll do more to take field notes. I'm going to hit the vape pens and try get some more sleep if I can. Maybe smoke a bowl too, and have some extra hydroxyzine. Rest would be nice at some point in all this.

Please, Lord ?

(((-(__🛐__)-)))